Monday Mindfulness Minute: Stop chasing the third thing

For this I bless you most: You give much and know not that you give at all. Verily the kindness that gazes upon itself in a mirror turns to stone, And a good deed that calls itself by tender names becomes the parent to a curse. -The Prophet p. 89

The more I watch, the clearer it is that I rarely give or do anything without expecting something in return.

• I hold the door for someone and I'm slighted if they don't say thank you.

• I text someone because I'm thinking of them and get frustrated or feel insignificant if they don't text back.

• I give someone a birthday gift and am looking for a return gift when my big day rolls around (it's coming up in January hint hint...).

• I share a writing on social media and am looking for how many likes/comments/shares it receives and I am disappointed if there is little reaction.

The thank you in response, the text back we desperately need, the re-paid gift, and the likes on social media are all the "third thing." For some reason, the initial giving isn't enough until we receive something back.

As the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius reflected over 1,800 years ago (I originally learned about this idea from a Daily Stoic Email), "When you've done well and another has benefited by it, why like a fool do you look for a third thing on top -- credit for the good deed or a favor in return?"

To avoid this foolishness that has stuck with us for centuries, we must constantly interrogate our motive: "Was I being authentically giving or was I looking to take something from them?" It's not even a physical something we want in return. The quick hit of energy that accompanies being recognized or told that we doing a good job is the gold we live for.

Once we stop chasing the reactions, we will feel the abundant energy that flows when we give unconditionally. This energy has been there the whole time but we've been wasting it as we search for recognition. Let's continue to work, "To give and to give and to give, and to know that is my riches." (How Can I Help p. 214)

We help others because we can, or because it makes us feel good, not because we're counting on some future payback. There is a word for this: love. -Georgraphy of Bliss p. 143