Consider*it*
- aseamster1996
- Aug 27, 2024
- 10 min read
Updated: Oct 16, 2024
"Why?!?!?!?!," I think as my eyebrows furrow and my face scrunches up in a way that closely resembles toddler Austin who didn't get his way with a toy or how much time was left at the playground.
Except now the situations aren't about Lincoln Logs or getting called a name on the bus, they're about situations at work, family members, people I love, and mostly just about complete strangers who I'll never see again.
Why did they do that?
Why did they say that?
Why would they believe that?
What's funny, read - insane, about this is that I'm not really asking why. "Why?" is just an automatic INTERNAL response to something that doesn't immediately coalesce with whatever I think should be happening EXTERNALLY. It's like a warning signal my mind sends me* that says, "What just happened is not right and if we don't incessantly think about it then it is more likely to happen again. They NEED TO KNOW they messed up."
Imagine for a second, (stops at stoplight, rolls down window, leans over out of window) "So, a few miles back, when you cut me off like an asshole without signaling, why did you do that?"
While I know a few friends who could/would do that, I'm not one of those people (thankfully, I guess?). For me, it's much easier to know. To know that they cut me off because they're a jerk or that their driving 30 mph below the speed limit is a crystal clear indication that they are so old and incompetent they shouldn't be allowed to have a license. To know that what they did was on purpose and to just get in my way. To know and be pissed that I didn't get my way. It is my way or the high-way, right?
Except "my way" thus far has left me perpetually agitated with others and constantly at war internally with what everyone else is doing (aka reality). My life changed when I started to consider it differently.
The Online Etymology Dictionary is not exactly sure where 'consider' stems from, but my favorite connection is to the Latin word considerare meaning "to look at closely, observe," or more literally, "to observe the stars." While I'm not certain of how many stars are in the sky, I would guess it would be fairly close to the number of possibilities for why someone does/says/doesn't say/doesn't do something.
Maybe they cut you off in traffic because they are in a rush to pick up their kid for school, or they had a greasy breakfast sandwich from their local gas station and they need a restroom asap, or dare I say they didn't see you there. Or maybe it was something bigger like them rushing to the hospital to be with a dying parent or contending with crippling anxiety that makes it difficult to drive.
While it would be great to be able to consider other possibilities automatically, it turns out that considering takes time, energy, and space.
Until now, whether we’ve been aware of it or not, all of our time, energy, and space have been completely occupied with keeping the door of new possibilities shut (not considering why). It's almost as if we have shut ourselves up in a tiny closet filled to the brim with our preferences, what should happen every second of every day so I'm ok, and we do everything in our power to keep that door shut. Considering something new is opening the door just a bit to let out some of the self-centeredness and in some kindness.
In our tiny small closet of a mind, we assume
they hurt me because they’re disgustingly self-centered
they called me a name because of who I love
they passed me up for the promotion because they had something against me
they left because they're selfish
they skipped me in life because they think they are better than me
they cut me off in traffic because they’re inconsiderate
they are talking too loud in the restaurant because they don't have any home training
One of my favorite authors, David Foster Wallace, describes it best in a commencement speech he gave in 2005, "If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is and who and what is really important - if you want to operate on your default setting – then you, like me, probably will not consider possibilities that aren't pointless and annoying."
Come on DFW, I'm not being annoying, THEY ARE! They are the ones that keep hurting/skipping/leaving/cutting me off. Have you considered that?
But in our current state, instead of considering, we quickly assume and call it a day. Except doing that over and over becomes our life.
I, like you (maybe but hopefully not), don't usually have time to consider Wallace's reminder because it's much easier to automatically fall back on assuming I know why. But what if we could become a society of considerers instead of assumers? A species that was aware enough to pause and consider the best instead of rushing to assume the worst. And even better, what if there was some fancy superhero* that would pop up to slow us down in those tense situations when we feel like giving a piece of our mind to the dog/kid/coworker/spouse?
Now that I think about it, we may have already been joined here on earth by one such superhero (and many more) whose entire message revolved around considering...
"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these."Matthew 6:28-29*
I'm in no way suggesting we immediately try to start considering at the level that Jesus taught, to consider the best unconditionally in every situation, but we can start with small situations every day. Wallace goes on to provide one such situation in his commencement speech:
"But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line – maybe she's not usually like this; maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of her husband, who's dying of bone cancer, or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicles department who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a nightmare red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness... Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible – it just depends what you want to consider."
As it turns out, JC and DFW were on to something because considering is not just something we do for others, it's something we do for ourselves. I've seen on my growth journey over the past three years how considering, not automatically going with and believing the first thought that comes to mind, has drastically changed my life. Here is what I've noticed on the inside when I choose to consider or not consider possiblities about things happening outside.
When I don't consider I feel... | When I consider I feel... |
|---|---|
Tight and closed | Open and expansive |
Constant agitation (stress arises from resisting what is) | Feeling of freedom (because I don't have to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why) |
Inflated sense of entitlement | Ability to rest in not knowing |
Need to react immediately (like my finger is resting on the send button) | Space to slow down and choose an appropriate response (usually means not responding at all) |
Assumptive | Curious |
But how do we actually gain the superhero strength to consider something new in the moment? I wish had a cooler answer, but like anything, it just comes down to practice. Just as we have to do bicep curls at the gym to lift heavier weights, we have to do inner curls with day-to-day experiences to handle heavier situations. As our inner strength grows (really stops contracting), situations outside start to slow down and we are able to be there in the moment to DECIDE how we want to proceed.
One specific way we can practice is by using the “5 Whys.” I first learned of the 5 Whys while reading “The Mindful Coach” by Doug Silsbee. Doug describes the exercise as follows, “When you are troubled by a situation or problem, simply ask yourself “Why am I troubled?” — but don’t be satisfied with your first answer. Look at that answer and ask “Why is that so?” Repeat the process again until you’ve asked “Why” five times… The goal, of course, is to come to a place of acceptance by understanding the true nature of the difficulty.” (The Mindful Coach p. 59).
We can adapt it a bit to fit our consideration by asking, “Why would they do that?”
Here’s an example:
The situation: You come home from a long day at work and decide to cook your significant other a nice meal. However, when they get home, they slam the front door shut and march through the house straight to the bedroom without saying a word.
“Why would they do that?” #1
They still aren’t over the argument we had last night and are planning to leave me.
“Why would they do that?” #2
Maybe they had a tough day at work and they just need some space. Now that I think about it, they did mention they were up against a tight deadline.
“Why would they do that?” #3
Did I forget our anniversary? Oh crap!
“Why would they do that?” #4
Ohhhhh, I completely forgot that today was the day their mom passed away last year.
“Why would they do that?” #5
“Hm” (continues cooking and staying centered until they either come out of the room or you go inside to see how they are doing)
As DFW mentioned earlier, are any of these reasons why likely to be the actual reason? No. Are they impossible? Also no. The only thing that we can know for sure here is that considering the additional whys leads to a way more compassionate and open view of it. I like to think of it as a consider*it* scale:
With each “why” we zoom out just a bit more as kindness and understanding (which ironically turns out to be the undoing of our previous "understanding" - read assumption) are born in that widening of the frame.
We spend so much time looking for wisdom, and it might be closer than we think. Just remember, the more whys you ask the more wise you become.
While we’ve explored what it’s like to consider various perspectives, don’t think for a second that this is me telling you which perspective is correct. We know where that leads – debates over morality that amount to nothing more than drowning in a shallow pool of who is more righteous.
Here is the TLDR point of this post:
IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE WHAT YOU CONSIDER, JUST THAT YOU CONSIDER IT COULD BE ANOTHER WAY.
Considering is an acknowledgment that we don't know and that our assumption (the automatic reaction our mind has based on everything it has experienced before – which is basically nothing compared to the entire reality everywhere) is limited. This consideration is the first step outside of the mind, outside of the dream we currently find ourselves in with so many nightmare creatures.
This is exactly why the second step in the AA 12-Step program is, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Again, this isn't telling you which "Power" to believe in, it's just telling you to believe in something other than YOU (up until this point we define ourselves as the mind - "Ego is the false self created by unconscious identification with the mind" [Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle).
It's admitting, NOT ME.
As we consider more in more and more moments, we will find that there is space where we can choose not to automatically go with how we have been wired (remember, we are born with love and learn fear). This space gives us room to work to unwire ourselves and return to the state of unconditional love we experienced and shared as a child. As we’ll see, this entire journey isn’t about learning anything, it’s about unlearning it all.
As we find more space, time, and energy to consider through our unlearning, we’ll even see that considering isn’t the highest. The highest is being able to handle reality (what just happened) without feeling any internal stress or any need to try and cling or push away the moment (5th example above in the 5 Whys scenario). It’s when life is effortless and we transcend the need to ask or know why.
But until we’re there, just focus on pausing to consider it differently. As we practice, we may even get a glimpse that considering new possibilities for others is really considering new possibilities for ourselves. Right now we are shackled by our limited view of what seems to be others, but it turns out that these views are really of ourselves. The arrogance that we see in others is already planted in us. The stupidity we see in others is already inside us. The ugliness we perceive in others must first be festering inside of us.
I aspire to reach a point where I can consider in a tense moment with another human that they are in fact being considerate as they help me realize and see how truly inconsiderate I am. I hope you will join me on this journey.
Additional Thoughts [click on the note to return to where you were previously]
For the longest time, my superhero power would have been to fly. I mean who wouldn't want to fly? But the more I think about it, I would take being able to consider over flying any day of the week (though I guess considering is a sort of mental flight). Who wouldn't pay top dollar to see Captain Consider-it battle it out against The Hyper Ass-umer (when I fail to consider – I become a huge self-conceited ass hole that thinks I know why)?
But Captain Considerate wouldn't look like a normal superhero... instead of being fast to react s/he would be slow to respond. Instead of fighting with a fancy superhero saber, s/he would yield to overcome. It might not make for a fun movie, but it would make for a nice life.
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